I did a photo shoot last month to mark my year of being divorced. It wasn’t meant as a celebration, but as a moment to truly free myself from my past and “Free” myself to move on.
I will admit as easy as it may have looked to some people, I truly had moments of being slightly depressed. Getting divorced in a spotlight has to be one of the worst ways to do it. I constantly had people who I didn’t know approach me, my family and friends inquiring about my marriage. I never understood the benefit of people wanting to know details of a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with them.
I went through a time where I wanted everything to S T O P.
Stop asking me questions, stop sending me pictures, stop telling me your opinions and what you thought you knew, and above all stop pretending.
It was overwhelming and I just wanted to go back to my life before it all happened. I’d stopped going to church even though that has been my foundation since birth. I had lost faith not really in my beliefs, but because of my experiences by the “church”. The times that I would attend services, I would go where no one knew me. I wanted to be lost in the crowd.
I questioned God a lot. Why would you allow me to experience this…..again?! Yes, some people know and many don’t. I’ve been married and divorced twice. No, I don’t promote nor celebrate divorces, but sometimes it happens. Furthermore, it’s public record so oh well!
The first time should’ve never happened. I married my best friend of 7 years at the age of 21. I grew up in a family where living with a man and not being married wasn’t condoned so I always tried to walk the straight line when it came to relationships. Long story short, being young without wisdom ended that shortly.
This time around, I wanted it to be different and it was. I’d never fought so hard in any previous relationship I had been in and it still ended. I love so hard that I will suffer or often neglect my needs just to make things work. This was when I began to question everything.
I questioned why I was raised a certain way. Why do I have to live up to certain standards? Why can’t I just be like other people who doesn’t care about doing things in a traditional way? I felt like the pressure of being a pastor’s kid and now a former pastor’s wife was too much.
As time went on, I began to go through a journey of healing. I sought counseling and did a lot of venting. Thank God for the people that He placed in my life who can look past all of my mess. I met some new friends who didn’t know me as anything else but Charmaine. I was free to be me and it felt great!!
Now dating, that’s a whole new post. I will say that I won’t curve as many men in 2018 like I did in 2017 lol. I just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and I would let that be known. However, it’s a new day and almost a new year.